Logging Off: How to Form Quality Relationships Offline.
Have you ever wondered why it feels so difficult to meet friends and partners in real life settings? Are you using online platforms for social communication that doesn’t feel social? Well you wouldn’t be alone. Digital tools offer us access to the minds of people we might never meet in real life and yet, how authentic are their thoughts? And how come no matter how many people we reach we still feel lonely? There is a “loneliness” epidemic - and social media is the source.
What is the problem?
Social media algorithms are not just limiting our attention spans, they’re teaching us to act in a certain way. Because these algorithms value short form, dramatic content which promotes trends over authentic expression, we change our outward presentation in order to increase our visibility. This gains us attention online, but it sends the message that authenticity is punished. Because we consume so much of this content, we internalize the message, carrying it into our offline interactions.
How does this affect our face to face interactions?
Social media trains us that feedback should be instant rather than gradual, limiting our tolerance for ambiguity. It also affects the depth with which we express ourselves - since we have learned to perform online we start performing offline. We also do not experience feedback of social cues online, meaning it is more difficult to recognize them offline. We forget how to use our feelings with real-life interpersonal relationships as a way to guide us. The more we forget, the more difficult it is to access our feelings later on.
What is the solution?
The main shift that has to occur is expecting relationships to form gradually rather than instantly. Relationships take time and even more so it is important to remember that intimacy is a process. Here is a list of steps you can take if you feel that your interactions have mostly been centered online:
Shift from using online tools as a substitute for social interaction to a supplement for social interaction.
Instead of using social media as a primary tool for communication, use messaging services as a tool for facilitating communication.
Reduce screen time in order to become comfortable with ambiguity.
As stated above, screen exposure primes us to expect immediate rewards (replies). Distancing yourself from your technology can reduce these effects and help you learn to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that come with waiting.
Use step-by-step exposure rather than a sudden jump to more vulnerable settings.
If you experience anxiety over in-person meetings, try gradually shifting to “more relational” ways of communicating. Communication methods such as voice messages and calls can demonstrate your commitment to getting closer to a person.
Prioritize depth of interactions over frequency of interactions.
Social media teaches us that a large network denotes good inter-personal skills, but this doesn’t necessarily translate to offline interactions. Instead, focus on having deeper conversations, which can end up feeling more fulfilling than surface level connections and help to bring you closer in your relationships
Bond over shared activities - not just conversation.
This will ground you, giving you something more substantial to engage with and talk about when lost for other conversational topics.
Limit attention fragmentation in interactions.
Social media encourages attentional fragmentation through the proliferation of short form content. In order to ensure your attention is focused, put your phone away and remind yourself of the present moment in the conversation, rather than waiting for the next chance to speak.
Use low-stakes settings to practice authenticity.
As stated above, social media encourages us to perform as an artificial version of ourselves, so much so that we are primed to think that authenticity is bad. Focus on being authentic in settings where people already accept you, so you can then become more comfortable when practicing that same authenticity with new people.
Repeated exposure is key.
Interactions that occur repeatedly encourage familiarity and predictability in one’s social life. Consider joining a new club or establishing communication as a certain part of your routine in order to experience repeated closeness with others.
Utilize group settings to interact with others.
One-on-one interactions may feel uncomfortable when transitioning from a mostly online environment. Group settings limit the intensity and fear of rejection, and can create conditions in which it is easier to have conversations.
Examine underlying barriers.
If you’re still struggling with social interaction, it might be time to examine the reasons why. Consider consulting a trained professional in order to help you examine underlying barriers that might be obstructing your ability to interact with others.
If you are having thoughts of harming or killing yourself, you can access the suicide hotline at 988 and/or call 911 or bring yourself to the nearest emergency room.
Social media seems like it can expand our ability to have offline relationships, but in reality, it often hinders it. Recognizing and moving away from superficial online connections will ultimately help you to feel more fulfilled and less lonely in a way that truly matters.
